The Secret Password is: Rain Man

A couple of weeks ago, I was invited to a jazz night at an exclusive members-only club. If you are invited by a member, you can enter the club by giving a secret password at a restaurant, then restaurant staff will lead you outside to a locked door and let you up a flight of stairs. Mounting the stairs, one is greeted by flickering tea lights and crystal chandeliers which complement the toile wallpaper, dark wainscotting, Japanese barware and rows of well-curated bottles. This place is a throwback to the mysterious speakeasies of 1920's prohibition - needless to say, it is my kind of place. That first visit was wonderful and at the end of the night, I was joined at the bar by the savant saxophonist, who invited me back this week. So, for a second time, I went to check the place out. All of this exclusivity makes me feel very special and has piqued my interest about other secret societies. So, today's question is: who are the Freemasons?

A:

Freemasonry is a fraternal organization which arose in the 17th century under obscure circumstances. Some believe that Freemasonry evolved out of the operative lodges of the stonemasons of the middle ages. Others believe that it was born out of the guild that built King Solomon's temple or that it originated through direct descendants of the Knights Templar. Freemasonry has often been called a "secret society", however Freemasons describe it as an enigmatic group where certain aspects are secret.

The central functions of Freemasonry are charitable work, moral uprightness including a belief in a supreme being, and the development and maintenance of fraternal friendships. Freemasons use gestures, handshakes and code words to gain admission to meetings and identify legitimate visitors from other jurisdictions. Membership is not by invitation only, rather a candidate petitions the lodge where the brethren investigate the candidate to ensure that they are in moral good standing and then hold a secret ballot election.

The general requirements for initiation into Freemasonry are:

• Be a man who comes of his own free will.
• Believe in a Supreme Being.
• Be at least the minimum age (from 18–25 years old depending on the jurisdiction).
• Be of good morals and of good reputation.
• Be of sound mind and body.
• Be free-born (this is a legacy requirement, which stated that slaves were ineligible for membership. Some jurisdictions have removed this requirement.)
• Be capable of furnishing character references, as well as one or two references from current Masons, depending on jurisdiction.

Being a woman, I am not eligible for membership into Freemasonry, but I'm happy to stick with my weekly visit to the Toronto Temperance Society - jazz and gin martinis shrouded in secrecy is my idea of a good night out.

Sources:

Toronto Temperance Society

Wikipedia: Freemasonry

Wikipedia: History of Freemasonry

Cowgirl Spurs

Love you and your nutter back. x

~ Show of support via text message

From the combination of sitting for 10 hours in the car, walking around Boston for 6 hours and using my excellent toe point on stage, my body has revolted. I was experiencing severe sciatica earlier in the month, but chiropractic care and physiotherapy twice a week had eased it... however it's back and worse than ever. One of the underlying issues is my curvy spine - see Scoliosis posting in January 2010 - however my new x-rays show that I've developed bone spurs on my lower three vertebrae. When explaining to people what bone spurs are, I usually say that my vertebrae are growing little horns or beaks, which will eventually fuse together. It's worrying to me that at 30 years old I am experiencing so much pain, which is why tomorrow I will be going for a consultation on surgery to remove these little devil horns - I'm hoping that they will also provide me with some non-surgical options, however non-surgical treatment will only prevent further degeneration as bone spurs are irreversible. Just for my own sanity, I'm planning to do a little research on the topic, so today's question is: what is the process of removing vertebral bone spurs?

A:

Bone spurs, also known as osteophytes, are bony projections that develop along the edges of bones. The bone spurs themselves aren't painful, but they can rub against nearby nerves and bones, causing pain.

Bone spurs are commonly caused by osteoarthritis, however can also be signs of:

• Diffuse idiopathic skeletal hyperostosis (DISH). This condition causes bony growths to form on the ligaments of the spine.
• Spondylosis. In this condition, osteoarthritis and bone spurs cause degeneration of the bones in your neck (cervical spondylosis) or your lower back (lumbar spondylosis).
• Spinal stenosis. Bone spurs can contribute to a narrowing of the bones that make up the spine (spinal stenosis), putting pressure on the spinal cord.

As for treatment, there are two typical surgical procedures used to remove bone spurs - open procedure or arthroscopic surgery. Open surgery is where the doctor makes an incision and then pulls back the skin and muscle tissue to expose the spurs. Removal is achieved through chiselling the spurs down to the main bone. Arthroscopic surgery isn't as invasive as open surgery - the doctor will make several small incisions in the skin and will insert a tiny camera and special surgical tools to chip away the spurs.

Through my research, I came across a natural remedy for removal of bone spurs - apple cider vinegar. Apparently, a mixture of apple juice, grape juice and apple cider vinegar consumed daily can help the body to break down the bone spurs and absorb the excess calcium.

Other treatments include: chiropractic care, physiotherapy, pilates, yoga and the McKenzie technique. These treatments are excellent in pain relief and preventing further deterioration of the spine, however will not remove the existing bone spurs.

I'm a little scared for this consultation tomorrow, but it's got to be done.

Sources:

Helpde.com: Bone Spurs on Lower Vertebrae

Live Strong: Remove Bone Spurs

Mayo Clinic: Bone Spurs

One Week

Chickity China the Chinese chicken, you have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'.

~ The Barenaked Ladies

Coming back from Boston, my companion and I decided that we were up for a little adventure; so instead of driving back through New York along the I-90, we veered North early and drove along the I-91 through Vermont and then up through Quebec. The scenery was breathtaking, as we drove the hilly and winding roads lined with fir trees and rock cliffs. Part of the experience of road tripping is to find fun music, play it loudly and sing it badly... so that's what we did! Our radio station of choice was XM satellite radio's 90's on 9 (although it wasn't our exclusive station as we cycled through the 40's, - 90's) 90's music is the music of our youth and many of the songs were recognizable and singable. The video below shows me rockin' out to The Barenaked Ladies' One Week. This song reminds me of when I was working in a record shop during my high school years; the Canadian band, Barenaked Ladies, were at the height of their career, gaining global popularity, when One Week was released. I remember Stephen Page, their front man at the time, being interviewed and telling a story of meeting Oasis - Liam Gallagher allegedly turned to his brother and said "Hey, this is the 'Chickity China' band!" How's that for recognition?!

The only problem is that the lead singer sings so quickly at times that I don't know what all of the words are! So, I'm going to make it my mission to find out. Today's question is: what are the lyrics to The Barenaked Ladies' One Week?

A:

One Week was released in 1998 and was the group's best performing single in both the United States and the United Kingdom. It reached number 1 on Billboard's top 100 and made it to number 5 on the UK Singles chart. Apparently, I'm not the only one who couldn't keep up with the lyrics, the song was featured in an advert for the Mitsubishi Lancer which featured a group of young people in the car seeming to sing along until they could not keep up with the rapid-fire lyrics.

"One Week"

It's been one week since you looked at me
Cocked your head to the side and said "I'm angry"
Five days since you laughed at me saying
"Get that together come back and see me"
Three days since the living room
I realized it's all my fault, but couldn't tell you
Yesterday you'd forgiven me
but it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry

Hold it now and watch the hoodwink
As I make you stop, think
You'll think you're looking at Aquaman
I summon fish to the dish, although I like the Chalet Swiss
I like the sushi
'cause it's never touched a frying pan
Hot like wasabe when I bust rhymes
Big like LeAnn Rimes
Because I'm all about value
Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits
You try to match wits, you try to hold me but I bust through
Gonna make a break and take a fake
I'd like a stinkin achin shake
I like vanilla, it's the finest of the flavours
Gotta see the show, cause then you'll know
The vertigo is gonna grow
Cause it's so dangerous,
you'll have to sign a waiver

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of taking off my shirt

It's been one week since you looked at me
Threw your arms in the air
and said "You're crazy"
Five days since you tackled me
I've still got the rug burns on both my knees
It's been three days since the afternoon
You realized it's not my fault
not a moment too soon
Yesterday you'd forgiven me
And now I sit back and wait til you say you're sorry

Chickity China the Chinese chicken
You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'
Watchin' X-Files with no lights on
We're dans la maison
I hope the Smoking Man's in this one
Like Harrison Ford I'm getting frantic
Like Sting I'm tantric
Like Snickers, guaranteed to satisfy

Like Kurasawa I make mad films
Okay, I don't make films
But if I did they'd have a Samurai
Gonna get a set a' better clubs
Gonna find the kind with tiny nubs
Just so my irons aren't always flying off the back-swing
Gotta get in tune with Sailor Moon
'Cause the cartoon has got the boom anime babes
That make me think the wrong thing

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad
Tryin' hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of losing my shirt

It's been one week since you looked at me
Dropped your arms to your sides
and said "I'm sorry"
Five days since I laughed at you and said
"You just did just what I thought you were gonna do"
Three days since the living room
We realized we're both to blame,
but what could we do?
Yesterday you just smiled at me
Cause it'll still be two days till we say we're sorry

It'll still be two days till we say we're sorry
It'll still be two days till we say we're sorry
Birchmount Stadium, home of the Robbie

I leave you with the official video:

http://youtu.be/fC_q9KPczAg

Sources:

azlyrics: One Week

Wikipedia: One Week (song)

Massacre

Boston is chock full of history! One of the nice things about visiting the city is that they have a path called the Freedom Trail, where tourists can follow a red path to all of the historical sites in Boston and Cambridge. The one that interested me the most was the story of the Boston Massacre - mainly because it sounds like a good story and it costs about $17 to hear it! So, I took the frugal option and decided to look it up here. Today's question is: what was the Boston Massacre and how many people died?

A: The Boston Massacre took place on March 5, 1770 during a clash between the British and American colonists. In the late 1760's tensions were beginning to arise around the growing British presence and the enforcement of the Townshend Acts - a law created to increase revenue by increasing duties on common imports instead of taxing income. The Townshend Acts were extremely unpopular amongst colonialists and gave way to a number of protests. On the evening of March 5, a boisterous gang began to form outside of the Custom House and British troops fired into the crowd, killing three civilians and wounding 11 others. A total of five men died from the incident. The British captain, Thomas Preston, and his men were tried for murder; Preston and six of his men were acquitted, while two others were found guilty of manslaughter, punished, and discharged from the army.

Sources:

Boston Massacre Historical Society

Wikipedia: Boston Massacre

Smoot

364.4 smoots +/- 1 ear

~ The Harvard Bridge

While crossing the Harvard bridge from Cambridge to Boston, my companion and I came across a little plaque informing us that the bridge was 364.4 smoots +/- 1 ear in length. As the story goes, in October 1958, Oliver Reed Smoot and his fraternity brothers from MIT used Ollie's body to measure the length of the Harvard bridge. This left me in awe - as well as wondering the answer to today's question: how long is a smoot?

A: According to Google's calculator, 1 smoot is the equivalent of 1.7018 meters (approximately 5 feet 7 inches) which was Oliver's height at the time of measurement.

Source:

Google Calculator: 1 smoot in meters

Beantown

Me on the Harvard Bridge

I survived the long drive to Massachusetts! Boston is absolutely beautiful this time of year; there is a warm breeze that drifts across the Charles River Basin and the trees have begun to bloom with gorgeous little blossoms. My mate and I walked along The Freedom Trail, where we learned a bit about American history and wandered freely just seeing the sites. One of the things that really stood out for me, was that everywhere I turned, things were considered to be "the best in Beantown". What a curious name... Today's question is: why is Boston called Beantown?

A:

I suppose the answer should have been obvious; Boston is known as Beantown because of its baked beans. Boston was a part of the triangular trade, where sugar cane was shipped from the Caribbean to Boston to be made into rum, which was then exported to Western Africa in return for slaves who were sent to the West Indies to grow more sugar cane. As molasses - being a by product of refining sugar cane - was in such abundance, Bostonians produced baked beans that were slowly cooked in molasses. Apparently, Boston baked beans are somewhat of a rarity now; there are no companies in the city that produce them and very few restaurants serve them.

Source:

Boston Online

This Tiny Girl

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

- Nature Boy

The last two days have been quite emotional, but one of my strengths is my ability to compartmentalize things. I have to put this issue into a box and will channel my energy into my upcoming performance at the Great Boston Burlesque Expo. As a returning champion, I want to wow the crowd with something that is slow, sensual and spectacular - which is very different from my usual numbers. Li'l Relly is best known for comedic burlesque, but for this event the performance is a titillating representation of the Hans Christian Andersen story, Thumbelina. Therefore, today's question is: what is the story of Thumbelina?

A:

A woman is desperate to have a child and buys enchanted barleycorn from a fairy. Once planted, a tiny girl, Thumbelina (Tommelise), emerges from its flower. One night, Thumbelina, asleep in her walnut-shell cradle, is carried off by a toad who wants the miniature maiden as a bride for her son. With the help of friendly fish and a butterfly, Thumbelina escapes the toad and her son, and drifts on a lily pad until captured by a stag-beetle. The insect discards her when his friends reject her company. Thumbelina tries to protect herself from the elements, but when winter comes, she is in desperate straits. She is finally given shelter by an old fieldmouse and tends her dwelling in gratitude. The mouse suggests Thumbelina marry her neighbor, a mole, but Thumbelina finds the prospect repulsive. She escapes the situation by fleeing to a far land with a swallow she nursed back to health during the winter. In a sunny field of flowers, Thumbelina meets a tiny flower-fairy prince just her size and to her liking, and they wed. She receives a pair of wings to accompany her husband on his travels from flower to flower.

Source:

Hans Christian Andersen: Little Tiny or Thumbelina

Wikipedia: Thumbelina

Chicken Butt for the Soul

This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront, this is not a love story.
(500) Days of Summer

It's done. I have used nearly all of my coping mechanisms.

• 
  
  Cry - Check


• 
  
  Sing - Check


• 
  
  Nap - Check


• 
  
  Watch (500)Days of Summer or Annie Hall - Check


• 
  
  Cook - Check
  

The last point is crucial. I love food. If food tastes good, I do a little dance in my seat. Food soothes my soul and during times when I am in need of soul soothing, there are two dishes that I make - roast chicken or armies of cupcakes.

I have never told anyone why these two things hold such magical powers, but, my dear readers (all 2 of you), I will dispense the rationale here:

Chicken - The first time my ex-husband left me, I experienced the five stages of grief within the first hour. I was an emotional wreck. I was in the anger phase while I was preparing my dinner - a whole chicken. I dressed the chicken with a concoction of herbs, lemon rind and olive oil and out of anger, I stuffed the lemon up that poor chicken's ass.... but somehow I felt instantly better. Since then, whenever I have not been feeling myself, I go out and buy the necessary ingredients to recreate this recipe. (Sometimes, my former roommate could sense my impending mood and, bless her little cotton socks, would bring home a chicken and a lemon!)

Cupcakes - Now, you know that things are really bad when I bake armies of cupcakes... the honeyed infantry is usually deployed when the chicken doesn't do it's duty. Cupcakes are always a long process, where I get an opportunity to work things out in my head. Even if I turn a problem over and over and end up in the same place that I started, I take comfort that mixing flour with butter, eggs, sugar, milk, bicarbonate of soda and an assortment of flavourings will always produce pleasant results.

Last night, there was chicken to be had. As I am only one person, the leftover chicken usually gets turned into sandwiches, pastas and soup. I have read that, in addition to soothing the soul, chicken soup can help to minimize the effects of a cold. Today's question is: are there medicinal properties to chicken soup?

A: In 2000, Dr. Stephen Rennard of the University of Nebraska, studied the medicinal properties of chicken soup. Using his wife's homemade recipe and numerous store bought brands, lab tests indicated that the soup inhibited the movement of neutrophils, the most common type of white blood cell that defends against infection. Dr. Rennard theorizes that by inhibiting the migration of these infection-fighting cells in the body, chicken soup essentially helps reduce upper respiratory cold symptoms.

There are no plans to further the study of chicken soup, which led many scientists to conclude that chicken soup is "folk medicine". However Dr. Rennard says that we cannot discount the "TLC" (tender, loving care) factor. "If you know somebody prepared soup for you by hand, that might have an effect."

None of the chicken soup research is conclusive, and it’s not known whether the changes measured in the laboratory really have a meaningful effect on people with cold symptoms. However, at the very least, chicken soup with vegetables contains lots of healthy nutrients and increases hydration.

I wonder what science has to say about the medicinal properties of stuffing a lemon up a chicken's butt?

Sources:

CNN.com - Health: Chicken Soup is Medicine, US Scientists Confirm

New York Times: The Science of Chicken Soup

Wikipedia: Chicken Soup

Summer's Eve

I get by with a little help from my friends.

- The Beatles

My friends are hilarious! Every one of them is always curious about my love life, so I dispensed my most recent story on them. The story was met with a number of responses:

~ What a DOUCHE!
~ Douche bag!
~ Such is the way of the duchenarian.
~ You don't have time for that type of douchebagery.
~ Leave Douchey McDouche for someone else.


As you see, there is a common theme. However, an Australian friend stated that he was unfamiliar with the term, and one of the senders of the above said she didn't know what the literal definition was either. I'm a little shocked that this word is so frequently used in North American culture, but not everyone actually knows what it means. So, today's question is (I can't believe I'm actually writing about this... where is quality control?!): what is a douche bag?

A:

Okay, let me start off with how I explained it to my young Strayan friend.


Douche Bag: Colloquially, it is interchangeable with the word 'Jerk', 'dirt bag', etc.
Douche Bag: Literally, it's a device used to internally cleanse a vagina. Similar to an enema, but for lady-bits.



Let's see if I did a good job.


The Online Slang Dictionary defines it as:
1. A derogatory term, used most often to describe males; "jerk"

2. An excessively self-obsessed person, usually male.

3. A person who intentionally acts like a jerk to appear cool or to show off.

According to Dictionary.com, a douche bag is:

A small syringe having detachable nozzles for fluid injections, used chiefly for vaginal lavage and for enemas.

So, my explanation was pretty accurate! I don't know if I should be proud or a little embarrassed. (?)

PS. The name of this blog post is not a random one, it is in reference to a well known brand of douche - look it up.

*A special thank you to Bearded Eric of Eric Makes Masks for giving me permission to use his photo, and for the record, is definitely NOT a douche.

Foolish Games

I am two fools, I know,/For loving, and for saying so/

- The Tripple Fool

by John Donne

I have expressed this sentiment many times in the last 24 hours: I feel like a fool.

I feel foolish for misreading the signs and mistaking lust for love. I feel foolish that I did not immediately recognise that I was hanging my hopes on a pipe dream. I feel foolish for putting myself in this position. I feel that I should be put in the corner and made to wear the dunce cap - I have obviously not learned anything about relationships, romantic or otherwise, in the last couple of years.

Enough with the self-loathing. Today's question is: what is the origin of the word fool?



A: The word is Old French, originating in the 13th century meaning "madman" or "insane person" or in Vulgar Latin used with a sense of "windbag, empty-headed person". In the 14th century it was used to descibe a court jester, whether that be a professional entertainer or an amusing lunatic that was put on the payroll.

Ah, these foolish games...

Sources:
Dictionary.com - Fool
Online Etymology Dictionary

Jerky Boys

Success is being knocked down nine times and getting up ten.

-Jon Bon Jovi

It is quite evident that my blogging has fallen off again, however I tend to become motivated by adversity. This blog was started by a heartache- you will find that my very first entry questioned whether someone could die from a broken heart . Well, yet another year has started brokenheartedly and I now feel motivated to set some goals and begin writing again. Each year, a man will come along and dazzle me with words. They marinate my foolish heart with wonderful dreams and empty promises only to slowly disengage with little or no explanation. This has left my heart chewy and salty, not unlike a dry, cracked piece of leather - or perhaps beef jerky. Today's question is: What is the process of making beef jerky?

Visual representation of my heart

A: Beef jerky is strips of marinated, dried meat that can be kept without refrigeration. Generally jerky is made with a lean cut of beef, such as sirloin, top round or round eye, as fat left on the final product will cause it to spoil more quickly. The meat is cut into strips approximately 1/2" thick against the grain. The strips of beef are then marinated for approximately 24 hours in a simple mixture of soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, onion salt, garlic powder and pepper (although many variations exist). The meat is then dehydrated either in a dehydrator or in a low temperature oven - if using the oven method, it is advised that the oven door be left slightly ajar for the moisture to evaporate. Interestingly, beef jerky is selected by astronauts on space flights because it is light weight and high in nutrition. I wonder if I can interest them in taking my heart on a space mission with them...

Sources:

How to Make Beef Jerky: 7 steps (with pictures)

How to Make Beef Jerky in the Oven

Wikipedia - Jerky (food)